I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

I'm still trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at
you? But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window.

Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot,
and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother started walking five miles
a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where she is.

 

The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be caught dead in otherwise.

Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a
bank robbery has just taken place.

I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock
every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there
picking the locks, they are always locking three.

I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to
use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That
may be, but I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We
aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners.

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is
suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best
friends. If they are okay, then it's you.

TV ads show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if
you've got a bloodstained T-shirt, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.

I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always
say "because it's such a beautiful animal." There you go. I think my
mother is attractive, but I only have photographs of her.

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my
fish-burger and I realize, "Oh my God.... I could be eating a slow learner."

 

 

 

 

A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket.

'You know a cow was murdered for that jacket'?

She sneered.

 

I replied in a psychotic tone,

"I didn't know there were any witnesses.

Now I'll have to kill you too!"