"When I was Seventeen, I had some very good Beer" 	

"Hey Hey, You Can Be Wicked"

For Enlin

Alisha's  Attic - Indestructable

This guy phones his house one afternoon from work to talk to his wife. As he waits on the other side, the maid picks up 
the phone. "High, let me talk to the madam" he says politely. "Sorry, the madam is in bedroom with the boss" the maid replys. 
The man is totally shocked, and tells the made to go to the bed room to sea what this imposter is doing. When the maid 
returns, she informs the Boss that the two are doing the "wild thing".      
The man then tells the maid "Listen, I am the real boss, i want you to look behind the sofa....and take the gun....go in 
the bedroom and shoot the boss. "Ok" the maid replys. The man listens as he hears the maid take the gun, run to the room, 
and proceeds to shot the man in the bed. He hears the gun go off, and his wife scream and everything. The maid returns
and says "OK, i did that...now what?" ...The Man says "Take the gun and go throw it in the pool"...
The Maid replys "We don't have a pool...
"Oh Sorry, Wrong Number" 

St Peter is Standing at the Pearly Gates when along comes this Guy. "Ok" says Peter, tell me what happend to you.
The man tells Peter the story:
I thought my wife was cheating on me, so I decided to come home early one day. When I burst into the flat I found
her naked in bed, but I couldn't find the guy anywhere in the apartment. I then went outside on the balcony, and saw
him hanging onto the railing one story below. I then started throwing objects at him like knifes and chairs. He finally let
go and dropped safely in the bushes below. I then ran to the kitchen and grapped the Fridge.....dragged it out side
and dropped it on this guy. Afterwards, I died from a heart attack.....from the strees of killing a guy and picking up the
fridge I guess.
"Ok, enter Heaven" says St Peter
Another Guy arrives on the scene and St Peter asks the question. And the Man tells Peter his Story
I was trying to fix the arial on my TV, so I went outside to the Balcony and Started fiddling with it. Suddenly a gust of
wind pushed me over the railing. Luckily I managed to grap onto another railing on the way down. Suddenly, this
guy, one floor up, starts throwing chairs and knifes at me. The chair hit my fingers and i fell down again, but luckily
landed in the bushes which broke my fall. When I look up , this huge Fridge is heading straight for me, it hits me
square, and next thing I appear here.
"Ok, enter Heaven" says St Peter
A third man comes to St Peter, and again Peter asks him what happened. The man proceeds.
"Well, there i was......hiding in this fridge....."

The waitress brings the soup to the table and the guy notices that her thumb is in the soup. 
"Hey," he says, "Why is your thumb in my soup?"
She replies, "I have an infection in my thumb and the doctor told me to keep it in a warm, moist place."
Well, stick it in your ass", he says.
She replies, "That's where it was while I was waiting for your soup," 

A woman was shaking out a rug on the balcony of her 17th floor condominium when a sudden gust of wind blew her 
over the railing. "God, that was stupid," she thought as she fell. "What a way to die. As she passed the 14th floor, a 
man standing at his railing caught her in his arms. While she looked at him in disbelieving gratitude, he asked,
"Do you suck?".
"No!" she shrieked, aghast. So, he dropped her.
As she passed the 12th floor, another man reached out and caught her.
"Do you screw?" he asked.
"Of course not!" she exclaimed before she could stop herself. He dropped her, too.
The poor woman prayed to God for one more chance. As luck would have it, she was caught a third time, by a man on
 the eighth floor.
"I suck! I screw!" she screamed in panic.
"Slut," he said, and dropped her. 



Two guys are in a locker room when one guy notices the other guy has a cork in his ass.
He says, "How'd you get a cork in your ass?"
The other guy says, "I was walking along the beach and I tripped over a lamp.
There was a puff of smoke, and then a red man in a turban came oozing out.
He said, "I am Tonto, Indian Genie. I can grant-um you one wish."
And I said, "No shit."



3 young candidates for the priesthood are told by the Monsignor they have to pass one more test: The Celibacy Test. 
The Monsignor leads them into a room, and tells them to undress, and a small bell is tied to each man's penis. 
In comes a beautiful woman, wearing a sexy belly-dancer costume. She begins to dance around the 1st candidate. 
*Ting-a-ling* goes the bell... 
"Oh Patrick," says the Monsignor, "I am so disappointed in your lack of control.      
Go take a long, cold shower and pray about your carnal weakness." The candidate leaves. 
The dancer then continues, slowly dancing around the second candidate and peeling off her layers of veils. 
As the last veil drops: 
*Ting-a-ling* goes the little bell... 
"Joseph, Joseph," sighs the Monsignor. "You too are unable to withstand your carnal desires. 
Go take a long, cold shower and pray for forgiveness" 
The dancer then proceeds to dance her sensuous dance around the third candidate.      
Slowly around him she dances, now devoid of all of her veils, but the third candidate remains unmoved. 
"James, my son, I am truly proud of you," says the Monsignor. "Only you have the true strength of character needed 
to become a great priest". Now, go and join your weaker brethen in the shower". 
*Ting-a-ling* 

"We all go a Litte Crazy Some Times"

Divine Inervation v3.0
NuKe Spy

For Wayne

A guy is making whoopie with his married lover. They hear her husband come home early and start up the stairs to 
the bedroom. The guy quickly hides in the closet. All of a sudden he hears a small voice, "Wow, it's dark in here". 
The guy whispers, "Who's in here with me?" "I'm her little boy & I was playing hide 'n seek in the closet when you
 came in.....boy it's dark in here!"
"Shut up, kid", says the lover...."I'll give you a dollar to shut up!" And he takes a dollar out of his pocket. The kid says 
again, "Wow....it's REALLY dark in here mister" and the guy gives him $5.00 to shut up again. 
The kid says it louder "It's REALLY, REALLY dark in here mister". The guy gives him all the money he's got and says 
"Look, kid, that's all I've got now please be quiet!".  
The husband leaves without any suspicions. The lover runs out of the house as fast as he can. 
Later that night when the husband get home, the kid is counting all this money and his father asks where he got it. 
The kid says, "I can't tell you." Many times the father asks "Where did you get the all that money" But the kid won't tell. 
So the father drags the kids down to the church to go to confession. "If you won't tell me, then you'll confess to the priest!"
The boy enters the confessional and closes the curtain. The priest slides the partition open. The kid says to the priest 
"Wow, it's really dark in here
The priest yells out, "Don't start that crap again, kid"!

"Why Drink and drive, when you can smoke pot and Fly"

For James

A man goes to the confessional and says, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned." "What is your sin, my child?" 
The Priest asks."Well," the man starts, "I used some horrible language today and I feel so terrible."
"Why don't you tell me what happened.  "What made you use such awful language?" asked the Priest.
"Well, I was out golfing and I hit this incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 250 yards, but the ball hit a 
phone line hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going about 100 yards."
"Is this when you swore?" asked the Priest."No Father," said the man, "You see, after that a squirrel ran out of the 
bushes and grabbed my ball in his mouth and began to run away."  "And this is when you swore?" asked the Father 
again.  "No not yet. Just as the squirrel was running away, this eagle came down out of the sky and grabbed the squirrel
in his talons and began to fly away!"  "And it was then that you swore?" asked the amazed Priest. "No, not yet," 
replied the man, "just as the eagle was flying away with squirrel he flew towards a wooded area next to the green. 
And as he passed over it, the squirrel dropped my ball."  "Did you swear then, my son?" asked the now impatient 
Priest.  "No, because as the ball fell it struck a tree, bounced through some bushes, careened off a big rock, and 
then rolled through a sand trap, and on to the green and stopped dead six inches from the hole!
"The priest sighed and rolled his eyes,  "Oh man, You missed the putt didn't you?"



A ventriloquist cowboy rides up to a ranch house.The rancher is sitting on the front porch with his dog: 
     Cowboy: 	"Hey, cool dog. Mind if I speak to him?"
     Rancher: 	"This dog don't talk!"
     Cowboy: 	"Hey dog, how's it going?"
     Dog: 		"Doin alright"
     Rancher: 	(Extreme look of shock)
     Cowboy: 	"Is this your owner? (pointing at rancher)"
     Dog: 		"Yep."
     Cowboy: 	"How's he treat you?"
     Dog: 		"Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week 
		to play."
     Rancher: 	(Look of disbelief)
     Cowboy: 	"Mind if I talk to your horse?"
     Rancher: 	"Horses don't talk!"
     Cowboy: 	"Hey horse, how's it goin?"
     Horse: 	"Cool."
     Rancher: 	(an even wilder look of shock)
     Cowboy: 	"Is this your owner?" (pointing at rancher)
     Horse: 	"Yep."
     Cowboy: 	"How's he treat you?"
     Horse: 	"Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in the 
		barn to  protect me from the elements."
     Rancher: 	(total look of amazement)
     Cowboy: 	"Mind if I talk to your SHEEP?"
     Rancher: 	(stuttering, and hardly able to talk)...... "Th-Th-Them sheep ain't nothin but liars!!!" 

A man is eating in a fancy restaurant, and there is a gorgeous blond eating at the next table. He has been checking 
her out all night, but lacks the nerve to go talk to her. Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of her 
socket towards the man. He reflexively grabs and snatches it out of the air. "Oh my god, I am sooo sorry, " the woman 
says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy you dinner to make it up to you." They enjoy a wonderful dinner 
together and afterwards the woman invites him back to her place for a drink. They go back to her house, and after a bit
she leads him into the bedroom and begins undressing him.   The couple has wild passionate sex over and over all
night. The next morning when he awakens, she has already gotten up and brings him breakfast in bed. The guy is 
amazed.  "You know, you are the perfect woman.  Are you this nice to every guy you meet." 
"No, she      replies...."You just happened to catch my eye."

Two men camping in the mountains had spent four days together, and they were getting a little testy. One morning, the 
first friend says,  "You know, we're starting to get on each other's nerves. Why don't we split up today.
I'll hike north and spend the day looking around, you hike south and spend the day. Then tonight, we'll have dinner and 
share our experiences over the campfire." The second friend agrees and hikes south. The first man hikes north.
That night over dinner, the first man tells his story.
"Today I hiked into a beautiful valley. I followed a stream up into a canyon and ate lunch. Then I swam in a crystal clear 
mountain lake.  As I sat out and dried, I watched deer come and drink from the stream. The wildflowers were filled with 
butterflies and hawks floated all day overhead.
How was your day?"
The second friend says, "I went south and ran across a set of railroad tracks.  I followed them until I came across a 
beautiful young woman tied to the tracks.   I cut the ropes off, gently lifted her off the tracks and we had sex in every
imaginable way all afternoon. Finally, when I was so tired I could barely move, I came back to camp."
"Wow!!" the first guy exclaimed, "Your day was MUCH better than mine. Did you get a blow job, too?"
"Nah," says the second friend over his meal, "I couldn't find her head."

A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window. 
"I want to open a damn checking account.  "The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have 
misunderstood you. What did you say?"  "Listen up, dammit. I said I want to open a damn checking account now!"
"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this bank.  "The teller leaves the window and goes over 
to the bank manager to inform him of her situation.  The manager agrees that the teller does not have to listen to foul 
language.  They both return to the window and the manager asks the old geezer,  "Sir, what seems to be the problem 
here?"  "There is no damn problem," the man says.   "I  just won 50 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to 
open a DAMN checking account in your damn bank, okay?"
"I see," says the manager, "and this stupid bitch is giving you a hard time?"



A blond is walking along the railway tracks one day when she comes across a Brunette.
The Brunette is standing on the tracks, hopping on the stop chanting the words "21, 21, 21, 21,21"
The blone says "That looks like fun, can I join You".  The brunette says "sure", and they blonde jumps on
and starts hopping on the stop repeating "21, 21,21,21,21"
Suddenly a train starts heading straight for them.  Just before impact the Brunette Dives off the tracks, and the train
flattens the Blonde.
After the train has finished its run, the Brunette gets back on the starts hopping again and starts chanting..
"22, 22, 22, 22, 22......"



These two guys are walking in a feild when they come across this huge hole in the ground.  And they wonder how deep
this thing is.  So they big a rock a chuck it in the hole.   They wait for a noise........................nothing.
They then get a bigger rock, and chuck it it.    They wait for a noise........................nothing.
They decide that they need something that will make alot of noise.  They find a single railway sleeper lying in the field,
and proceed to track it towads the whole.
They finally drop the sleeper in the hole.  They wait for a noise........................nothing.
"Bugger this", they think, and start to leave.
As they turn around, the see this Goat charging full steam straight at them.  The Goats is going at all cylinders, when
they both jump out of the way.  The goat shoots down the hole at mach 3.  They wait for a noise........................nothing.
They decide this place is to weird at head for home.  On they way home the meet a farmer.
Farmer:	Sorry boys, have you seen my goat around here?
Guys:	Actually we saw "a" goat, but it ran down a hole back there.
Farmer:	Oh, that couldn't have been my goat.  My Goat was tied to a railway sleeper.



After years of married life, a man finds he is unable to perform.  He goes to his doctor, and his doctor tries a few 
things, but nothing works.  Finally the doctor says to him "This is all in your mind." And refers him to a psychiatrist.
After a few visits, the psychiatrist confesses, "I am at a loss as to how  you could possibly be cured.
" Finally the psychiatrist refers him to a witch doctor.
The witch doctor says, "I can cure this." He throws some powder on a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue 
smoke.  The witch doctor says "This is powerful healing, but you can only use it once a year! All you have to do is say 
`1-2-3` and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"  The guy then asks the witch doctor "What happens when it's over?
"The witch doctor says "All you or your partner has to say is "1-2-3-4" and it will go down. But be warned; it will not 
work again for another year!     
The guy goes home and that night he is ready to surprise his wife with the good news. So, he is lying in bed with her 
and says "1-2-3", and suddenly he gets an erection. 
His wife turns over and says "What did you say "1-2-3" for?" 



Hillary Clinton went into a pet shop and found a beautiful, colorful parrot. "Does this parrot talk?" she asked. "Yes, he 
does," the manager told her.  "But why is this one only $50 and all the others are $500?" she asked  "Well,  ma'am," 
the manager told her, "not everyone would want to own this parrot.  He spent many years in a whorehouse and his 
language is terrible.  "Well,  I want him," she said. "Suit yourself," the manager shrugged.  When she got the parrot 
back to the White House, she uncovered his cage and admired the colorful bird. The parrot tilted his head to one 
side, looked her straight in the eye and said, "New house, new madam.  "Hillary laughed. Soon Chelsea and a friend 
came in and began admiring the bird.  "New house, new whores," the parrot observed.  At first they  were offended, 
but when Hillary explained about the bird's history, they too, laughed at him. A few minutes later the President entered
the living quarters. The parrot looked up from his feeder and said "Hi Bill".



A girl from the South and a girl from the North were seated side by side on a plane. The girl from the South, being 
friendly and all, said, "So, where ya'll from?"
The Northern girl said, "From a place where they know better than to use a preposition at the end of a sentence,".
The girl from the South sat quietly for a few moments and then replied, "So, where ya'll from, bitch?" 



A Michigan engineering student was walking across campus when another engineer rides up on a shiny new 
motorcycle.   "Where did you get such a great bike?" asked the first.      
The second engineer replied "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful 
woman rode up on this bike.  She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said 'Take what you want.'" 
The second engineer nodded approvingly "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit." 



This guy bursts into the house and yells, "Pack your      bags, Honey, I just won the lottery !"     
She says, "Oh, wonderful! Should I pack for the beach or for the mountains?"     
He replies, "I don't care....Just get the HELL out !!!!





A chap went up to the counter in the library and said, "Have you got any books about committing suicide?"
The librarian said, "Yes. Take a look over there, somewhere on the middle shelf."
The chap came back a few moments later and said, "I can't find any at all."     
The librarian replied, "Yes, it's awful. The swines never bring 'em back!"    




This guy is desperate for loosing weight, and he has tried everything, but can't seem to loose a single kilogram.  One
day while he is reading the newspaper, he sees an add that reads "Garenteed 100% weight lose, or you money back"
The guy phones the place, the place and makes and appiontment immediatley.  The next day, he is at the loby of this
huge Skyscraper.   The lady informs him that there are 3 phases to this program, after the third phases, you will be as
thin as  a rake.  The man agrees to the arrangements.  He pays for the first phase which costs hime R700.
The women tells him to run all the way to the top of the building and enter the 1st door, on the left.  And off the man 
goes, running up the the flight of stairs.  Hours go by, when he finally reaches the top, dripping with swet, he stumbles
to the first door, twists open the knob and enters the room.
Standing right infront of him, is this drop dead gorgeous Blonde.  She is totally naked, and she is holding a sign that 
reads "IF you Catch me, you can have me!!"  The guy doesn't waste a second till he starts running after her.  Hours go
buy before he finally graps he, and starts doing "it".  This lasts for hours, and when he is done, he starts heading down
towards the loby.   He arrives there, stands on the scale, and is shows that he has lost 10kg, and straight away he goes
to the receptionist and pays R2000 for the second phase.  She tells him the same story, but this time go into the
second door.  Like ligtning this guy is running up the stairs.  When he finally get there he opens the second door, and
this time finds 3 Blondes with the same signs "Catch me and I am Yours".  Hours pass as this guy hunts down each 
blonde and does the wild thing to each one of them.  He hurries down the stairs, get to the loby, jumps on the scale,
and its says he has lost 40kg.  The man pays for the final phase, R5000, and shoots up the stairs.  When he arrives
at the top, enter the third and last door.  When he enters he sees a Huge black African Gorila with a sign that reads
"If I catch you, I will fuck you".




These two good friends always meet on a Friday Night at the local pub for a couple of drinks.  The one guy has a 
hump on this back, and the other has damaged leg from the war.  After the drinking, they start walking home.  All of a
sudden it begins to rain.  The man with the hump starts  to walk thru the cemetry for a short cut.  The man with the
bust legs says "are you mad........the ghost will get you".  "I don't believe in ghost" says the other man, and continues.
While in the cemetry, this ghost pops up infront of the guy.
Ghost:	Booo
Man:	aaaaaaahhhh
ghost:	Whats that on you back ?????
man:	its a hump, I have had it all my life.
ghost:	Give it to me.
The ghost snatches the hump from the guys back.  Suddenly this guy straightens up with a perfect back.  The ghost 
vanshies, and the man runs thru the cemetry.  On the other side he bumps into his friend with the bust leg.  The man 
asks "hey, what happpend to you hump".  The other guy explaines the whole story.  The man with the legs thinks, "hey
maybe the ghost can do something for my leg", and he hops towards the cemetry.  As he his wondernig around, the 
ghost pops up infront of him.
ghost:	Boooo
man:	aaaahhhh
ghost:	whats that on you back ????
man:	nothing?!?!
ghost:	Well heres  a hump for you 

The Sherrif is sitting in his office one day, when a man stumbles inside.  He is covered in blood, has numerous bullet
wounds and is almost dead.  The Sherrif runs to help the guy, and just before the man passes out he utters the words
"The Bacon Tree got me".  The sherrif rushes this guy to the local hostipal and stick him in the I.C.U
Days go by, before this guy can talk, and when the days arrives, the Sherrif goes up to this guy and asks him, what
the heck is the "bacon tree".  The guy decided the sherrif has to see for himself.  The man leads the sherrif out into
the dessert towards the middle of nowhere.  Finally they arrive at this huge rock and the man says "the bacon tree is
right behind that rock, i am not going any further".  This sherrif decides to go and investigate this "bacon tree"
As the sherrif goes behind the rock, the man hears gunfire, and Indian Calls, and a real barney happening behind the
rock. The sherrif stumbles out, from the behind the rock, coverd in blood and bullet holes and yells.
"YOU IDIOT, its not a Bacon Tree.......its a Hambush"



This guy dies, and goes up to the Pearly Gates and meets St Peter.  Peter informs him, that he was a good and bad
person, and that he can decided weather he wants to go to hell or heaven.  The guy is not sure, and asks if he could
see a piece of heaven and hell.  Peter switches on the TV and inserts the Heaven tape.  The guys see's people
sitting on clouds, playing harps, singing little songs to themselfs.  He is not impressed, and aks Peter for the hell tape.
Peter inserts the hell tape.  They guy see's all this beautiful women, this huge party going on, and everybody seems
to be having one "hell" of a time.  With out hesitation, the man picks to go to hell.  Peter flicks his fingers and the man
is transported straight to hell.  
When he gets there, this demon graps him, and starts poking his trident, towards the lake of fire.  Well he is being 
tortuned, he passes satan, and says "Hey man, where are all the beautiful women and the parties?"
"Oh" says satan, "you must have seen the demo tape"

King Auther is preparing to leaving on a Journey, when he calls Lady Quiniveer.  He informs her, that he doesn't
trust any of the "Knights of the Round Table", and so he is placing a special chastity belt on her.  This belt has a tiny
guliteen device in it.  So if wanna of the knight's members gets to close, this device takes a suvioneer.
The King leaves, and returns one month later from his trip.  He calls all the knights to the round table, and orders them
to drop their pants.  Every knight, except Lancelot, has something missing from their members.
"Lancelot, my most trusted Servant, I am so proud that you didn't let me down, you are a true knight" says the King.
"What do you have to say for youself" he continues.
And Lancelot answers "blaw eak adkj feakj fdl" (no tongue)



This farmer has 3 daughters, and each one has a date for tonight.  There is a knock on the door, and its the first day.
"High, I'm Eddie, I'm looking for Freddie, we are gonna eat some Spaghetti, is she ready?"
The farmer is quite impressed, and calls his daughter.  The next Date arrives.
"High, I'm Joe, I'm looking for Flow, we are gonna watch a show, can we go?"
The farmer is quite impressed, and calls his second daughter.  The next Date arrives.
"High, I'm Chuck...."
So the farmer shoots him.

"I see Pride, I See Power, I See a Bad Ass Mudda, who don't take a no crap off a no one"

For Anton

http://www.kiddy-porn.com

http://www.over90porn.com

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