"I've Wanted To Kill Myself for Years Now, its the Only Thing That's Kept My Going" 
Robin Williams

Welcome to Probably the Biggest Collection of Deep Thoughts on The Net, I am proud to Say

 

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One Liners

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It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.

If at first you don't succeed, blame it on your parents.

For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

23% of Perot voters say, The candidate I vote for usually loses.

17% of college graduates would punch themselves really hard in the face for $50.

28% of Americans think that our army's high-tech military equipment is too expensive to risk in combat.

Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.

Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

Rehab is for quitters

God bless Darwin.

Dammit, Jim, I'm a doctor, not some kind of medical technician!

Mom used to get offended when I used the word puke. But to me, that's what her dinner tasted like.

Whether they find a life there or not, I think Jupiter should be called an enemy planet.

I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.

If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid looking in a mirror, because I bet that will really throw you into a panic.

I think the mistake a lot of us make is thinking the state-appointed shrink is our friend.

YOU! OUT OF THE GENE POOL!

Stock up and save. Limit: one

Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?

Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.

Illiterate? Write today for free help.

I discovered today that goldfish do not like jello.

Screw the planet, save yourself.

If a mute swears does his mother wash his hands out with soap?

When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?

When you open a big bag of cotton balls, is the top one ment to be thrown away?

Why isn't there mouse flavored cat food.

Is it possible to be totally partial.

If a funeral procession is at night, do people drive with there lights off?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another?

Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.

When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.

If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?

If cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?

One third of American women agree that baseball was more exciting when it was on strike.

What is the speed of dark?

When you're sending someone Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?

Why are there Braille signs on drive-up ATM's?

If women wear a pair of pants, a pair of glasses, and a pair of earrings, why don't they wear a pair of bras?

How come you never hear about gruntled employees? What is a free gift? Aren't all gifts free?

After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water?

If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?

What's another word for synonym?

What's another word for Thesaurus?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Where do forest rangers go to get away from it all?

Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor but book publishers aren't afraid to have a Chapter 11?

How can there be self-help groups?

Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?

Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

Why do we play in recitals and recite in plays?

Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

Where are Preparations A through G?

Are there seeing eye humans for blind dogs?

If knees were backwards, what would chairs look like?

Why does your nose run, and your feet smell?

If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.

I have a map of the United States, life size. 1 mile equals 1 mile. It's a pain to fold it.

I made wine out of raisins so I wouldn't have to wait for it to age.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja-vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.

Sponges grow in the ocean ... I wonder how much deeper the oceans would be if that didn't happen.

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country

If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it.

It's good to have self-confidence. It's just nice to have a reason for it.

A pessimist is a man who looks both way before crossing a one-way street.

Duct tape is like the force - it has a light side, a dark side, and is the stuff that holds the universe together.

69% of statistics are meaningless as well as undocumented information

89% of the world's population knows that

I only kill to know I'm alive.

I didn't claw my way to the top of the food chain to eat roughage!

When I die, I want to go peacefully in my sleep like my father did, not screaming in terror like his passengers.

A gaping chest wound is just nature's way of telling you to slow down.

Mashed potatoes can be your friend.

I need someone real bad. Are you real bad?

A good man has few enemies. A ruthless man has none.

Save the whales! Collect the whole set!

Hold on to freedom as long as you can, 'cause the girl in your cell might think she's a man.

The quickest way to a man's heart is through his ribcage.

Ooooooeee! They sure serve up them four-year-olds good, don't they?

Anything not nailed down is mine. Anything I can pry loose is not nailed down.

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

I may not be fast, but I sure am slow.

In the beginning, there was nothing. And then it exploded...

Don't expect too much and you won't be disappointed.

Who is General Failure and why is he reading drive C?

Disease and famine are stalking the country like two giant stalking things.

Power corrupts. Absolute power is kinda' neat.

If vegetarians eat vegetables, I guess that makes me a humanitarian.

Drive carefully. 90% of the people in the world are caused by accidents.

You can't be late until you show up.

I planted some bird seed. A bird grew. Now I don't know what to feed it.

MARTA talks about sensuality, but I don't think she'd know sensuality if it bit her on the ass.

The sign said eight items or less. So I changed my name to Les.

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.

Like jewels in a crown, the precious stones glittered in the queen's round metal hat.

I hope they never find out that lightning has a lot of vitamins in it, because do you hide from it or not.

It's easy to sit and scoff at an old man's folly. But also, check out his Adam's apple!

If you ever reach total enlightenment while you're drinking a beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out of your nose.

If you're a boxing referee, it's probably illegal to wear a bow tie that spins or changes colors.

I think the mistake a lot of us make is thinking the state appointed psychiatrist is our 'friend'.

Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No, wait. Not me, you.

THE CROWS seemed to be calling his name, thought Caw.

Whether they ever find life there or not, I think Jupiter should be considered an enemy planet.

I have an answering machine in my car. It says I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.

If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let'em go, because, man, they're gone.

The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.

To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography and the dancers hit each other.

One thing a computer can do that most humans can't is be sealed up in a cardboard box and sit in a warehouse.

I'm telling you, just attach a big parachute to the plane itself! Is anyone listening to me?!

The other day I got out my can opener and was opening a can of worms when I thought, 'What am I doing?!'

If you wear a toupee, why not let your friends try it on for a while. Come on, we're not going to hurt it.

Let's be honest: isn't a lot of what we call tap-dancing really just nerves?

Advice to vampires: why not 'do your business' as a bat, not a human. Easier that way, and less pollution.

I bet the sparrow looks at the parrot and thinks, yes, you can talk, but listen to yourself!

I hope that after I die, people will say of me: 'That guy sure owed me a lot of money.'

Consider the daffodil. And while you're doing that, I'll be over here, looking through your stuff.

Sometimes I think the so called experts actually are experts.

Broken promises don't upset me. I just think, why did they believe me?

I think that a hat that has a little cannon that fires and then goes back inside the hat is at least a decade away.

If you ever reach total enlightenment while you're drinking a beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.

If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like I am now.

I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.

One thing vampire children have to be taught early on is, don't run with a wooden stake.

I hope that someday we will be able to put away our fears and prejudices and just laugh at people.

I'm telling you, just attach a big parachute TO THE PLANE ITSELF! Is anyone listening to me?!

I hope they never find out that lightning has a lot of vitamins in it, because do you hide from it or not?

You know what the secret to life is? You must never let yourself become too fond of eggplant quiche.

In weightlifting, I don't think sudden, uncontrolled urination should automatically disqualify you.

Laurie got offended when I used the word puke. But to me, that's what her food tasted like.

I hope they never find out that lightning has a lot of vitamins in it, because do you hide from it or not?

It's too bad that whole families have to be torn apart by something as simple as wild dogs.

I'd rather be rich than stupid.

If life deals you lemons, why not go kill someone with the lemons (maybe by shoving them down his throat)?

I don't say that the bird is 'good' or the bat is 'bad.' But I will say that the bird is less nude.

The tiger can't change his spots. No wait, he did! Good for him!

I wish I had a dollar for every time I spent a dollar, because then, yahoo!, I'd have all my money back.

You know what makes good hair for a snowman? Real hair. Don't ask me why, but it works.

If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's real embarrassing if someone tries to kill you.

I bet one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every culture, is the story of Popeye.

Too bad you can't buy a voodoo globe so that you could make the earth spin real fast and freak everybody out.

I wish I had a Kryptonite cross, because then you could keep both Dracula AND Superman away.

I hope that after I die, people will say of me: That guy sure owed me a lot of money.

I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.

If any man says he hates war more than I do, he better have a knife, that's all I have to say.

I think the mistake a lot of us make is thinking the state-appointed psychiatrist is our friend.

If you think a weakness can be turned into a strength, I hate to tell you this, but that's another weakness.

For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here's a tip: why not add a slice of lemon to each jar, for freshness.

I don't pretend to have all the answers. I don't pretend to even know what the questions are. Hey, where am I?

When you go ice-skating, try not to swing your arms too much, because that really annoys me.

I was an only child, eventually.

I lost a button hole.

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.

I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specific.

What happened to the first 6 ups?

If an orange is orange, why isn't a lime called a green or a lemon called a yellow?

Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there.

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

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2 Liners !!!!!

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14% of Americans surveyed agree that Puerto Rico should not be the 51st state because that extra star would make the flag look bad.

You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment, and nobody else shows up, and you think maybe that's part of the experiment?

I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, 'Do you know the speed limit here is 55 miles per hour?'. So I said, 'Oh, that's OK, I'm not going that far.

I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I say,' Have you got anything I'd like?' Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, ' Extra medium.'

In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said, Cut it out.

I got a dog and named him `Stay'. Now, I go `Come here, Stay!' After a while, the dog went insane and wouldn't move at all.

When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting?

If you're an ant, and you're walking along across the top of a cup of pudding, you probably have no idea that the only thing between you and disaster is the strength of that pudding skin.

If I was the head of a country that lost a war, and I had to sign a peace treaty, just as I was signing I'd glance over the treaty and then suddenly act surprised. Wait a minute! I thought WE won!

A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call the guy and hold the burning fuse up to the phone. Hear that? you say. That's dynamite, baby.

Why do people in ship mutinies always ask for better treatment? I'd ask for a pinball machine, because with all that rocking back and forth you'd probably be able to get a lot of free games.

I'd like to be buried Indian-style, where they put you up on a high rack, above the ground. That way, you could get hit by meteorites and not even feel it.

If they ever come up with a swashbuckling school, I think one of the courses should be laughing, then Jumping Off Something.

When you're riding in a time machine way far into the future, don't stick your elbow out the window, or it'll turn into a fossil.

Probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.

When you're riding in a time machine way far into the future, don't stick your elbow out the window, or it'll turn into a fossil.

Why is it that when you transport something by car, its called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, its called cargo?

If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is, God is crying. And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is, Probably because of something you did.

If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror, because I bet that's what REALLY throws you into a panic.

Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.

Last year for Christmas, I got a humidifier and a dehumidifier.... I thought I'd put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, Well, what do you need?

My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.

I hope if dogs ever take over the world and they choose a king, they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.

When I was a kid I had a friend who worked in a radio station. Whenever we walked under a bridge, you couldn't hear what he said.

If you were a poor Aztec with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadors came up to you and asked where the gold was, I don't think it would be a good idea to say, I swallowed it. So sue me.

I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out that I'd just quit my job and become a bum for a few years, because I was thinking about doing that anyway.

I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate revolver. And since he's so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him real quick and hand it to him.

It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money. And I guess that's what I like about it. It's easy. Just sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money.

To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kinda scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus and a clown killed my dad.

I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it..

Whenever you read a good book, it's like the author is right there, in the room talking to you, which is why I don't like to read good books.

What is it about a beautiful sunny afternoon, with the birds singing and the wind rustling through the leaves, that makes you want to get drunk?

During the Middle Ages, probably one of the biggest mistakes was not putting on your armor because you were just going down to the corner.

You can't tell me that cowboys, when they're branding cattle, don't sort of 'accidentally' brand each other every once in a while. It's their way of letting off stress.

If I come back as an animal in my next lifetime, I hope it's some type of parasite, because this is the part where I take it easy!

When you first start wearing a turban, probably the most common mistake is wrapping it too tight. You have to allow the head to breathe.

If you go through a lot of hammers each month, I don't think it necessarily means you're a hard worker. It may just mean that you have a lot to learn about proper hammer maintenance.

If there was a big gardening convention, and you got up and gave a speech in favor of fast-motion gardening, I bet you would get booed right off the stage. They're just not ready.

We like to praise birds for flying. But how much of it is actually flying, and how much of it is just sort of coasting from the previous flap.

When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call the police. But then I got curious about it. I picked it up, and started wondering who this person was, and why he had deer horns.

If your friend is already dead, and being eaten by vultures, I think it's okay to feed some bits of your friend to one of the vultures, to teach him to do some tricks. But only if you're serious about adopting the vulture.

If you ever crawl inside an old hollow log and go to sleep, and while you're in there some guys come and seal up both ends and then put it on a truck and take it to another city, boy, I don't know what to tell you

Instead of burning a guy at the stake, what about burning him at the stilts? It probably lasts longer, plus it moves around.

You know what would be the most terrifying thing that could ever happen to a flea? Getting caught inside a watch somehow. You don't even care, do you.

If you see an animal and you can't tell if it's a skunk or a cat, here's a good saying to help: 'Black and white, stinks all right. Tabby-colored, likes a fella.'

When this girl at the museum asked me who I liked better, Monet or Manet, I said, 'I like mayonnaise.' She just stared at me, so I said it again, louder. Then she left. I guess she went to try to find some mayonnaise for me.

I wish my name was Todd, because then I could say, 'Yes, my name's Todd. Todd Blankenship.' Oh, also I wish my name was Blankenship.

I don't think God put me on this planet to judge others. I think he put me on this planet to gather specimens and take them back to my home planet.

Just because swans mate for life, I don't think it's that big of a deal. First of all, if you're a swan, you're probably not going to find a swan that looks that much better than one you've got, so why not mate for life.

If you're robbing a bank, and your pants suddenly fall down, I think it's okay to laugh, and to let the hostages laugh too, because come on, life is funny.

Just as bees will swarm about to protect their nest, so will I 'swarm about' to protect my nest of chocolate eggs.

If you were a gladiator in olden days, I bet the inefficiency of how the gladiator fights were organized and scheduled would just drive you up a wall.

Something tells me that the first mousetrap wasn't designed to catch mice at all, but to protect little cheese 'gems' from burglars.

The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our enemies; probably because they are generally the same people

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, really loudly, for no good reason.

Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you're coming home his face might burn up.

If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you think liked dolphins the most? I'd say Flippy, wouldn't you? You'd be wrong, though. It's Hambone.

Children need encouragement. If a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way he develops a good, lucky feeling.

Instead of trying to build newer and bigger weapons of destruction, we should be thinking about getting more use out of the ones we already have.

I wish outer space guys would conquer the Earth and make people their pets, because I'd like to have one of those little beds with my name on it.

To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, 'Hey, can you give me a hand?' you can say, 'Sorry, got these sacks.'

Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy's arm behind his back. Now who's asking the questions?

If you lived in the Dark Ages, and you were a catapult operator, I bet the most common question people would ask is, 'Can't you make it shoot farther?' No. I'm sorry. That's as far as it shoots.

Why is it that we will laugh at a man in a clown outfit, but we won't laugh at a man just walking down the street carrying a clown outfit in one of those plastic dry-cleaner bags?

You know something that would really make me applaud? A guy gets stuck in quicksand, then sinks, then suddenly comes shooting out, riding on water skis! How do they do that?

Whether they live in an igloo or a grass shack or a mud hut, people around the world all want the same thing: a better house!

When you're going up the stairs and you take a step, kick the other leg up high behind you to keep people from following too close.

When Rick told me he was having trouble with his wife, I had to laugh. Not because of what he said, but because of a joke I thought of. I told him the joke, but he didn't laugh very much. Some friend he is.

Love is not something that you can put chains on and throw in a lake. That's called Houdini. Love is liking someone a lot.

If I was being executed by injection, I'd clean up my cell real neat. Then, when they came to get me, I'd say, 'Injection? I thought you said inspection.' They'd probably feel real bad, and maybe I could get out of it.

I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not for our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex.

If you're a blacksmith, probably the proudest day of your life is when you get your first anvil. How innocent you are, little blacksmith.

When you die, if you get a choice between going to regular heaven or pie heaven, choose pie heaven. It might be a trick, but if it's not, ummmmmmmm, boy.

Of all the warning sounds that animals make, I think the one that's the least effective on me is a kind of clicking noise.

I bet a funny thing about driving a car off a cliff is, while you're in midair, you still hit those brakes! Hey, better try the emergency brake!

As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.

How come the dove gets to be the peace symbol? How about the pillow? It has more feathers than the dove, and it doesn't have that dangerous beak.

I think Santa Claus and Superman are actually the same guy, and I'll tell you why: Both fly, both wear red, and both have a beard.

It's true that every time you hear a bell, an angel gets his wings. But what they don't tell you is, every time you hear a mousetrap snap, an angel gets set on fire.

I bet what happened was, they discovered fire and invented the wheel on the same day. Then, that night, they burned the wheel.

The wise man can pick up a grain of sand and envision a whole universe. But the stupid man will just lay down on some seaweed and roll around until he's completely draped in it. Then he'll stand up and go, 'Hey, I'm vine man.'

I remember how, in college, I got that part-time job as a circus clown, and how the children would laugh and laugh at me. I vowed, then and there, that I would get revenge.

If I could be a bird, I think I'd be a penguin, because then I could walk around on two feet with a lot of other guys like me.

If I come back as a horsefly, I think my favorite thing would be to land on someone's lip. Even if they smash you, ick!, you're all over their lip!

I think a new, different kind of bowling should be 'carpet bowling.' It's just like regular bowling, only the lanes are carpet instead of wood. I don't know why we should do this, but judo, we've got to try something!

People laugh when I say that I think a jellyfish is one of the most beautiful things in the world. What they don't understand is, I mean a jellyfish with long, blond hair.

If you're traveling in a time machine, and you're eating corn on the cob, I don't think it's a going to affect things one way or the other. But here's the point I'm trying to make: Corn on the cob is good, isn't it.

If you're ever selling you house, and some people come by, and a big rat comes out and he's dragging the rattrap because it didn't quite kill him, just tell the people he's your pet and that's a trick you taught him.

If I had time to sit down and write a thank-you note to everyone who sent me a nice, expensive present, what a wonderful world that would be!

You know one thing that will really make a women mad? Just run up and kick her in the butt. (P.S. This also works with men.)

I hope some animal never bores a hole in my head and lays its eggs in my brain, because later you might think you're having a good idea but it's just eggs hatching.

Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window? The guy looks out it, and if he leans too far, he falls out. Wait. I guess that's like a regular window.

Sometimes I think you have to march right in and demand your rights, even if you don't know what your rights are, or who the person is you're talking to. Then on the way out, slam the door.

If you're a cowboy, and you're dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading a magazine.

If you want to sue somebody, just get a little plastic skeleton and lay it in their yard. Then tell them their ants ate your baby.

Can't the Marx Brothers be arrested and maybe even tortured for all the confusion and problems they've caused?

You know what's probably a good thing to hang on your porch in the summertime, to keep mosquitos away from you and your guests? Just a big bag full of blood.

I'm just guessing, but probably one of the early signs that your radarscope is wearing out is something I call image fuzz-out. But I've never even seen a radarscope, so I wouldn't totally go by what I've just said here.

If you go to a costume party at your boss's house, wouldn't you think a good costume would be to dress up like the boss's wife? Trust me, it's not.

Most of the time it was probably real bad being stuck down in a dungeon. But some days, when there was a bad storm outside, you'd look out your little window and think, 'Boy, I'm glad I'm not out in that.

I don't think I'm alone when I say I'd like to see more and more planets fall under the ruthless domination of our solar system.

Ambition is like a frog sitting on a Venus Flytrap. The flytrap can bite and bite, but it won't bother the frog because it only has little tiny plant teeth. But some other stuff could happen and it could be like ambition.

If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadors came up to you and asked where the gold was, I don't think it would be a good idea to say, I swallowed it. So sue me.

If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mr. Brave man, I guess I'm a coward.

We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you're coming home his face might burn up.

If you're a horse, and someone gets on you, and falls off, and then gets right back on you, I think you should buck him off right away.

If you ever teach a yodeling class, probably the hardest thing is to keep the students from just trying to yodel right off. You see, we build to that.

If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.

Contrary to what most people say, the most dangerous animal in the world is not the lion or the tiger or even the elephant. It's a shark riding on an elephant's back, just trampling and eating everything they see.

When you go to a party at somebody's house, don't automatically assume that the drinks are free. Ask, and ask often.

Somebody told me how frightning it was how much topsoil we are losing each year, but I told that story around the campfire and nobody got scared.

Higher beings from outer space may not want to tell us the secrets of life, because we're not ready. But maybe they'll change their tune after a little torture.

I'd like to see a guy tap-dancing so fast his legs actually broke, because it would finally establish a 'tap-barrier,' and we could move on from there.

I think there should probably be a rule that if you're talking about how many loaves of bread a bullet will go through, it's understood that you mean lengthwise loaves. Otherwise it makes no sense.

It's funny that pirates were always going around searching for treasure, and they never realized that the real treasure was the fond memories they were creating.

If you get invited to your first orgy, don't just show up nude. That's a common mistake. You have to let nudity 'happen.'

If I ever become a mummy, I'm going to have it so when somebody opens my lid a boxing glove on a spring shoots out.

I wish a robot would get elected president. That way, when he came to town, we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad.

Here's a good trick: Get a job as a judge at the Olympics. Then, if some guy sets a world record, pretend that you didn't see it and go, Okay, is everybody ready to start now?

Instead of a seeing eye dog, what about a gun? It's cheaper than a dog, plus if you walk around shooting all the time, people are going to get out of the way. Cars too!

Basically there are three ways the skunk and I are a lot alike. The first is we both like to spread our 'stink' around. The second is we both get hit by cars a lot. The third is stripes.

When I was a child, there were times when we had to entertain ourselves. And usually the best way to do that was to turn on the TV.

If the captain invited me to his party, after he had whipped me earlier in the day up on deck, I guess I'd go, but I'd try and find some excuse to leave early.

Isn't it funny how one minute life can be such a struggle, and the next minute you're just friving real fast, swerving back and forth across the road?

One way I think you can tell if you have a curse on you is if you open a box of toothpicks and they all fly up and stick in your face.

I think my favorite monster movie is Gone With the Wind, because it has that ear monster and that big-dress monster.

Here's a good tip for you when you go to the beach: a sand dollar may look like a nice cracker that someone left, but trust me, they don't taste like it.

I bet when they weren't fighting, Vikings with horn helmets had to stick potatoes onthe ends of the horns, so as to avoid eye-pokings to fellow Vikings and lady Vikings.

Here's a suggestion for a new animal, if some new ones get created or evolve: something that stings you, then laughs at you.

If you were a pirate, you know what would be the one thing that would really make you mad? Treasure chests with no handles. How the hell are you supposed to carry it?!

Don't ever get your speedometer confused with your clock, like I did once, because the faster you go the later you think you are.

You know how to paint a room real fast? Just put paint rollers on your feet and somehow figure out how to skate up the walls and across the ceiling.

I guess the hard thing for a lot of people to accept is why God would allow me to go running through their yards, yelling and spinning around.

If I lived back in the olden days, and the doctor put leeches on me, I'd tell him to put them on my face, in the shape of a beard, so I could see how I'd look.

If I was a cowboy in a lynch mob, I think I'd try to stay near the back. That way, if somebody shamed us into disbanding, I could sort of slip off to the side and pretend I was window-shopping or something.

Do you know what happens when you slice a golf ball in half? Someone gets mad at you. I found this out the hard way.

Worship the potato? The idea seemed silly to me. But then I thought, what else is more deserving of worship? It's simple, it comes from the earth, and it can kill you if you disobey it.

People just naturally assume that dogs would be incapcable of working together on some sort of construction project. But what about just a big field full of holes?

Whenever anyone says I can't, it makes me wish he'd get stung to death by about then thousand bees. Whe he says I'll try, five thousand bees. (I can, one bee.)

If the Vikings were around today, they would probably be amazed at how much glow-in-the-dark stuff we have, and how we take so much of it for granted.

People laugh when I say that I think a jellyfish is one of the most beautiful things in the world. What they don't understand is, I mean a jellyfish with long, blonde hair.

Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself. Mankind. Basically, it's made up of two separate words - mank and ind. What do these words mean? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind.

Probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.

Basically, there are three ways the skunk and I are a lot alike. The first is, we both like to spread our stink around. The second is we both get hit by cars a lot. The third is stripes.

I think when you go on trial they should have a parrot there that says guilty or not guilty for you, as a sort of courtesy.

Many people never stop to realize that a tree is a living thing, not that different from a tall, leafy dog that has roots and is very quiet.

I wish scientists would come up with a way to make dogs a lot bigger, but with a smaller head. That way, they'd still be good as watchdogs, but they wouldn't eat so much.

Sometimes when the odds are against you, when the chips are down, and you don't think you can do it anymore, when your friends have gone home and there's no one left, a nice cold coke tastes really good.

I remember when my dad used to take me to Vegas, and we'd get drunk and party, and usually get arrested. Wait, my dad wouldn't have done that... who was that?

When you're riding in a time machine way far into the future, don't stick your elbow out the window, or it'll turn into a fossil.

A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call the guy and hold the burning fuse up to the phone. Hear that? you say. That's dynamite, baby.

If you were a pirate, you know what would be the one thing that would really make you mad? Treasure chests with no handles. How the hell are you supposed to carry it?!

Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you're coming home his face might burn up.

As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.

If you're a horse, and someone gets on you, and falls off, and then gets right back on you, I think you should buck him off right away.

One thing about my aunt Nadie: she was gruff on the outside, but if you ever needed something, like a spanking or a scolding, she'd give it to you.

It's interesting to think that my ancestors used to live in the trees, like apes, until finally they got the nerve to head out on the plains, where some were probably hit by cars.

If you make ships in a bottle, I bet the thing that really makes your heart sink is when you look in there and at the wheel is Captain Termite.

The first thing was, I learned to forgive myself. Then I told myself, Go ahead and do whatever you want, it's okay by me.

I'd like to see a nature film where an eagle swoops down and pulls a fish out of a lake, and then maybe he's flying along, low to the ground, and the fish pulls a worm out of the ground. Now that's a documentary.

If I was the head of a country that lost a war, and I had to sign a peace treaty, just as I was signing I'd glance over the treaty and then suddenly act surprised. 'Wait a minute! I thought we won!'

Instead of putting a quarter under a kid's pillow, how about a pine cone? That way, he learns that 'wishing' isn't going to save our national forests.

I think one way police departments could make some money would be to hold a yard sale of murder weapons. Many people, for example, could probably use a cheap ice pick.

I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out that I'd just quit my job and become a bum for a few years, because I was thinking about doing that anyway.

Probably to a shark, about the funniest thing there is is a wounded seal, trying to swim to shore, because WHERE DOES HE THINK HE'S GOING?!

If you make ships in a bottle, I bet the thing that really makes your heart sink is when you look in, and there at the wheel is Captain Termite.

After I die, wherever my spirit goes, I'm going to try to get back and visit my skeleton at least once a year, because, Hey, old buddy, how's it going?

When the age of the Vikings came to a close, they must have sensed it. Probably, they gathered together one evening, slapped each other on the back and said, Hey, good job.

I'd like to see a nature film where an eagle swoops down and pulls a fish out of a lake, and then maybe he's flying along, low to the ground, and the fish pulls a worm out of the ground. Now that's a documentary!

When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call the police. But then I got curious about it. I picked it up, and started wondering who this person was, and why he had deer horns.

I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out that I'd just quit my job and become a bum for a few years, because I was thinking about doing that anyway.

When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us. It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear.

Too bad you can't just grab a tree by the very tiptop and bend it clear over the ground and then let her fly, because I bet you'd be amazed at all the stuff that comes flying out.

It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money. And I guess that's what I like about it. It's easy. Just sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money.

I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.

To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, Hey, can you give me a hand? - you can say, Sorry, got these sacks.

Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window? The guy looks out it, and if he leans too far, he falls out. Wait. I guess that's like a regular window.

Somebody told me it was frightening how much topsoil we are losing each year, but I told that story around the campfire and nobody got scared.

Here's a good tip for when you go to the beach: A sand dollar may look like a nice cracker that someone left, but trust me, they don't taste like it.

You can't tell me that cowboys, when they're branding cattle, don't sort of accidentally brand each other every once in a while. It's their way of letting off stress.

If you're an archeologist, I bet it's real embarrassing to put together a skull from a bunch of ancient bone fragments, but then it turns out it's not a skull but just an old dried-out potato.

If you're ever selling your house, and some people come by, and a big rat comes out and he's dragging the rattrap because it didn't quite kill him, just tell the people he's your pet and that's a trick you taught him.

Children need encouragement. So if a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way, he develops a good, lucky feeling.

If the Vikings were around today, they would probably be amazed at how much glow-in-the-dark stuff we have, and how we take so much of it for granted.

Instead of trying to build newer and bigger weapons of destruction, we should be thinking about getting more use out of the ones we already have.

Sometimes I think the world has gone completely mad. And then I think, Aw, who cares? And then I think, Hey, what's for supper?

I can't stand cheap people. It makes me real mad when someone says something like, Hey, when are you going to pay me that $100 you owe me? or Do you have that $50 you borrowed? Man, quit being so cheap!

If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.

You know what would be the most terrifying thing that could ever happen to a flea? Getting caught inside a watch somehow. You don't even care, do you.

If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is God is crying. And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is Probably because of something you did.

Here's a good gag if you go swimming in a swamp and when you come out you're all covered with leeches. Just say, Hey, has anybody seen my raisins? (Because leeches kind of look like big raisins.)

I think somebody should come up with a way to breed a very large shrimp. That way, you could ride him, then after you camped at night, you could eat him. How about it, science?

I wish everybody would have to have an electric thing implanted in our heads that gave us a shock whenever we did something to disobey the president. Then somehow I get myself elected president.

I bet a funny thing about driving a car off a cliff is, while you're in midair, you still hit those brakes! Hey, better try the emergency brake!

I wish scientists would come up with a way to make dogs a lot bigger, but with a smaller head. That way, they'd still be good as watchdogs, but they wouldn't eat so much.

When you die, if you go somewhere where they ask you a bunch of questions about your life and what you learned and all, I think a good way to get out of it is just to say, No speaka English.

The first thing was, I learned to forgive myself. Then, I told myself, Go ahead and do whatever you want, it's okay by me.

Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy's arm behind his back. NOW who's asking the questions?

 

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what are we on now ??..oh yeah.. 3 Liners !!!!!!!!!!

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I remember how my great-uncle Jerry would sit on the porch and whittle all day long. Once he whittled me a toy boat out of a larger toy boat I had. It was almost as good as the first one, except now it had bumpy whittle marks all over it. And no paint, because he had whittled off the paint.

A funny thing is if you're out hiking and your friend gets bitten by a poisonous snake, tell him you're going for help, then go about ten feet and pretend you got bit by a snake. Then start an argument about who's going to go get help. A lot of guys will start crying. That's why it makes you feel good when you tell them it was just a joke.

I guess one of the funniest memories of my grandfather was the time I was at his house and that tied-up man with the gag in his mouth came hopping out of the closet and started yelling that he was really my grandfather and the other guy was an imposter and to run for help. Who was that guy?! Oh, well, never saw him again.

The tired and thirsty prospector threw himself down at the edge of the watering hole and started to drink. But then he looked around and saw skulls and bones everywhere. Uh-oh, he thought. This watering hole is reserved for skeletons.

I remember one day I was at Grandpa's farm and I asked him about sex. He sort of smiled and said, 'Maybe instead of telling you what sex is, why don't we go out to the horse pasture and I'll show you.' So we did, and there on the ground were my parents having sex.

If you were an ancient barbarian, I bet a real embarrassing thing would be if you were sacking Rome and your cape got caught on something and you couldn't get it unhooked, and you had to ask another barbarian to unhook it for you.

Sometimes I wish Marta were more loyal to me. Like the other day. The car parked next to ours had a real dirty windshield, so I wrote 'THIS CAR LOOKS LIKE A FART' in the dirt. Later I asked Marta if she thought it was a childish thing to do. She said, 'Well, maybe.' Man, whose side is she on, anyway?

If you were an ancient barbarian, I bet a real embarrassing thing would be if you were sacking Rome and your cape got caught on something and you couldn't get it unhooked, and you had to ask another barbarian to unhook it for you.

I can still recall old Mister Barnslow getting out every morning and nailing a fresh load of tadpoles to that old board of his. Then he'd spin it round and round, like a wheel of fortune, and no matter where it stopped he'd yell out, Tadpoles! Tadpoles is a winner! We all thought he was crazy. But then, we had some growing up to do.

Even though I was their captive, the Indians allowed me quite a bit of freedom. I could walk about freely, make my own meals, and even hurl large rocks at their heads. It was only later that I discovered they were not Indians at all, but dirty clothes hampers.

If I could be any kind of dog, I think I'd be one of those little yappy dogs, because while you're sitting there on the couch trying to sound real smart, I'm just sitting there, yapping away. Just yappin' and yappin', and there's nothing you can do about it, because I live here.

I think a good scene in a movie would be where one scientist tells another scientist: 'You know what will save the world? You're holding it in your hand.' And the other scientist looks, and in his hand are some peanuts. Then, when he looks up, the first scientist is being taken away to the insane asylum.

As the snow started to fall, he tugged his coat tighter around himself. Too tight, as it turned out.
'This is the fourth coat crushing this year,' said the police sergeant as he outlined the body with a special pencil that writes on snow.

You know when those things get, like, stuck way back in your teeth, you know - really far back, and you can't get it out even with a tooth pick, and when you dig in there really hard with both hands and everyone in the restaurant is looking at you. I hate that.

I'm not afraid of insects taking over the world, and you know why? It would take about a billion ants just to AIM a gun at me, let alone fire it. And you know what I'm doing while they're aiming it at me? I just sort of slip off to the side, and then suddenly run up and kick the gun out of their hands.

I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then, when somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, What was THAT?!

Here's a good thing to do if you go to a party and you don't know anybody: First, take out the garbage. Then go around and collect any extra garbage that people might have, like a crumpled napkin, and take that out too. Pretty soon people will want to meet the busy garbage guy.

If your kid makes one of those little homemade guitars out of a cigar box and rubber bands, don't let him just play it once or twice and then throw it away. Make him practice on it, every day, for about three hours a day. Later, he'll thank you.

Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you're drunk.

I think a good novel would be where a bunch of men on a ship are looking for a whale. They look and look, but you know what? They never find him. And you know why they never find him? It doesn't say. The book leaves it up to you, the reader to decide. Then, at the very end, there's a page that you can lick and it tastes like Kool-Aid.